We Have Seen the Enemy

cattt5

 

As always, JudgyBitch has written on a thought provoking topic. And, per usual, I had to take what was supposed to be simple comment and transfer it, here, when it became too wordy. (And, admittedly, it’s probably too wordy as a final blog post, but, I fight that battle incrementally.)

This time the subject includes the phenomenon of women sabotaging other women. Her article focuses primarily on the premise that women heartily support other women that are overweight because this gives them a competitive edge. By creating the belief that being fat is acceptable, the theory goes, those women that are overweight or would lean towards becoming so, will, thereby, reducing their ability to compete in the ‘sexual market place’.

From JudgyBitch’s article:

It always comes down to sexual economics with women, and especially with feminists. Feminism is collective bargaining for women to keep the price of women high. Women used to keep their own prices high when they controlled access to sex, but the sexual revolution destroyed that quite nicely, leaving women bereft of power. Now women are in full out, cut throat competition with one another, while pretending to be part of a sisterhood of love and acceptance.

That’s an interesting idea and one I’ve run across before. It just doesn’t make sense to me because anyone with the ability to read and think understands that obesity is not in any person’s best interest and to think otherwise is simply not rational. But, I can see how women comforting and encouraging other women who are unhappy with their weight could be interpreted as having ulterior motives. It depends on what the message is that they are giving.

That women are vicious to one another, there is no argument. The motive I am not entirely certain is a binary one.

It’s clever. It’s also cruel. No one hates other women quite like women do. And no one hates other women more than a feminist.

I don’t know. Sometimes, I think I dislike women more than the average xx hater and I definitely reserve special disdain for those women that use the system to skirt accountability (today’s feminist). I know exactly what she is referring to and having experienced it first from my feminist 2.0 mother, my response wasn’t to conform to the same behavior but to avoid relationships with women altogether when it wasn’t impossible to do so. And I am unapologetic to that end.

This doesn’t mean that I am inherently any different from other women, because I’m not. What is different is having had the ability and incentive to recognize the reality that exists which contain the ingredients that make poor behavior readily possible and subsequently disciplining oneself to not engage in acting that way. And, I don’t care who you are, I doubt any woman will ever be perfectly successful in this effort.

It is exactly the same for men. They manage their own traits that make them prone to behaviors that they correct for. Whereas theirs may involve physical acts of aggression, ours are centered more around conflating emotional responses to being the same as rational consideration. We tend to first assume whatever we are feeling is true or speaks to something being true. That is simply incorrect and causes all kinds of problems in the world of relationships, parenting, politics and personal efficacy.

So, while it is true that women are susceptible to a host of biologically influenced and socially reinforced behaviors, it is also true that women have the ability to identify the source and manage as any adult would be accountable to do.

But, our society sends strong messages countering this belief and rewards women for acting without integrity. In fact, women are rarely exposed to lessons that teach and reinforce concepts of integrity, duty, honor or valor. We do experience themes of sacrifice, cooperation, friendliness, and compassion. This is just referring to the general societal framework everyone develops within from birth to adulthood. What we receive individually is an entirely random ball of wax.

Speaking to my personal experience with this propensity of many women towards overt and covert hostility, it hasn’t always been possible to altogether, avoid . And in those circumstances involving employment, in-laws, etc., if I wasn’t outright steamrolled, each and every instance required managing for either the aggressors or the covert tactics of the type that includes what is described, in the article, that being the most benign manifestation. I’ve rarely been completely successful

It’s been dialing down as I get older, but I haven’t turned the corner quite yet, so still catch the occasional backhanded compliment or bullshit comment.

Now, I get to walk my 21 and 25 year old daughters through it when they sense something ‘amiss’ with another woman in their lives, whether she is a friend, co-worker or social acquaintance.

Unlike me, both my girls have been outgoing. One is a perpetrator but is still figuring this out and the other has recognized that she wants no part of it. She’s exceptionally physically attractive and attracts immediate female hostility that she doesn’t fully understand, yet, as something that she cannot prevent from occurring, no matter what she does. That’s simply the way it goes. She gets the societal benefits of being attractive, and likewise, bears the costs.
So, I am only able to offer her some words of wisdom such as not expecting reason to work when trying to solve problems created by irrationally driven behavior. And, on the flip side, not to go to the hardware store expecting to buy bread. Their social needs that require a buddy to do female interest things belong in a relationship with a woman, not a husband or boyfriend.

My general disinterest in having female friends is not what would work for my daughters, and that is probably more a function of having had a failed role model who acted egregious enough to cause me to reject the role completely and my individual deficits in social intelligence because of my not being inclined towards socializing any more than I have been obliged to.

As an individual, I happen to have personality traits that aren’t very dependent on socializing. I’m reserved, pragmatic and I spend my time in my head no matter what I’m doing. So, when I need a “girlfriend” type of support, I hire a therapist. I’ve also never been chatty and similarly, I tend not to enjoy being engaged too long with chatty people. Women, in general, talk more than men do, in my opinion. My relative silence creates immediate awkwardness with women that, again, I am not apologetic about.

So, as far as my daughters are concerned, the goal is making sure they can discern who to befriend and then to practice sharing girlfriend things with their girlfriends and to vigilantly resist the temptation to make the men in their lives substitute girlfriends.

When women insist that men serve as the source of what we would expect from other women, those same women wind up wondering why they aren’t attracted to their man, anymore, after they’ve, in effect, emasculated him. So, I don’t want my girls to have that kind of crazy interfering with their having successful relationships with the men they will probably one day marry. (If the feminist social politics don’t fuck that possibility up altogether beforehand, that is.)

But, the bottom line is I got the same potential crazy making juju. To illustrate, my writing is probably so verbose to compensate for how terse I am when speaking. All that talking I’m not doing has to be counterbalanced, somehow. I am a woman, after all, and some things are just the nature of the beast.

7 thoughts on “We Have Seen the Enemy

  1. its often said that female prostitutes are amazed that most men really just want someone to talk to…Men don’t ‘get’ to go to therapy, because they’ve been taught that’s an indication that they are bonkers.. but for women it’s o.k. = = ahh, male privilege

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    1. This may be why a certain population of these same men often ‘fall in love’ with prostitutes. It’s probably somewhat more complex than that, but fair game. Some individuals also don’t ‘get’ to take part in what is granted to the rest of their ‘in group’ because they refuse to follow suit and go their own way. I believe that as individuals, we are more alike than we differ. Where there are differences, what we each do with them are potentially infinitely unfathomable to the others and it’s difficult to trust what can’t be predicted in any meaningful way.

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      1. You sort of answered it in your article:

        “When women insist that men serve as the source of what we would expect from other women, those same women wind up wondering why they aren’t attracted to their man, anymore, after they’ve, in effect, emasculated him.”

        Men do need to vent, want to vent, to share emotionally, but despite what many claim, it’s the women in our lives who are the ones who mostly shame us for doing so, especially those whom we’re told to we must be the emotionally closest to: wives and girlfriends.

        One of the first lessons you learn as a guy who dates is to never rise to the bait of your girlfriend:

        “Babe…I wish you’d open up to me more. If there’s anything wrong, you can talk to me about it. You never talk about your feelings.”

        We’ve learned through hard experience that, 99 times out of a hundred, this is a trap. We’ve lived through the change where she no longer sees you as an attractive man, but as less than a man, because A Man Has His Sh*t Together In All Things, At All Times.

        (What we learn is that the purpose of her asking you talk about your feelings isn’t an invitation to talk, but simply to display how caring she is – her simply saying it means it’s already served all of its purpose. If she DOES force you to answer, we’ve also learned that the best way to pass this test is to make something up – “Oh, baby, when I’m with you nothing’s wrong!” Do not actually air any real, plausible grievances – “I’m afraid I might lose my job”, “Sometimes I think I’m turning into my dad”, whatever.)

        I’ve never used a prostitute (even though it’s legal here) for talking or otherwise, but I can see the attraction.

        Talking with a prostitute means there’s no obligation, no risk to a relationship, no chance of it being used against later in a fight, or as an excuse to break up. We get to talk to a woman, have her listen, with no pressure. We know we won’t trip any hidden traps or triggers, and it won’t be held in evidence as ammunition later.

        We just get to talk. Just talk.

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      2. I can’t even reply to this. I’d ruin it. Just thank you.

        The only thing I’ll go near is the prostitute part. I have a young woman in my life who I have come to care about. Her mother was even worse than mine if that’s possible. Her mother introduced her to prostitution. She has shared with me what her relationships are with the men she sees. I thought she was atypical, and I still believe in a sense she is. She genuinely cares about these guys. They become very close friends with her, long after the business transacted sex is passed.
        She is an unusually transparent and still naive young woman an d had the absolute worst , most egregious and abhorrent female influence as her mother, but still, she is very sweet.

        I’ll stop there.

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  2. “It is exactly the same for men. They manage their own traits that make them prone to behaviors that they correct for. Whereas theirs may involve physical acts of aggression, ours are centered more around conflating emotional responses to being the same as rational consideration. We tend to first assume whatever we are feeling is true or speaks to something being true. That is simply incorrect and causes all kinds of problems in the world of relationships, parenting, politics and personal efficacy.”

    This is my main issue with modern feminism. It doesn’t seek to encourage women to improve themselves, show the world what excellence they’re capable of, but simply to exalt and rebrand women’s base behaviour as excellent…simply by dint of those behaviours being done by women. Tail wagging the dog. Cart before the horse.

    Us men are constantly warned off from giving into our baser behaviours, to hold back the beast, so to speak, but women are not only permitted to give into their base behaviour, but encouraged to, and protected from criticism or backlash.

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    1. That’s an excellent way of describing it and summarizing what I was trying myself to understand. Thank you. Because, that is what bothers me, as well. My expectations are too high when it comes to how people behave towards their work and towards each other. Respect, discretion, and consideration go such a long way in helping smooth the path to having successful relationships and delivering quality work. I haven’t recognized these traits in very many people soldiering for dystopias they don’t understand. A perfect example was the recent comment I received from a woman on something I wrote RooshV’s ROC site about female role models. Without any provocation, she refers to me as ‘Bitch”, “dumb bitch”, ad nauseam. This is clearly a person who is too irrational to be spoken to at all. There is a legion of women like this: empty, aggressive, offensive, crass, that bring absolutely nothing but their very big mouths to a conversation. I can’t engage with that. I’d rather light my own ass on fire.

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      1. Thanks. It’s a good blog, and expect more comments from me. Told ya you had another follower.

        The idea that modern feminists embrace, and rally around, that women are inherently perfect and good (and men are inherently broken), allows for that woman calling you a “dumb bitch” – after all, she’s a woman.

        (Why did she say it to you, someone who’s also a woman? Because she perceives you as denying your femininity – by not blindly following the prescribed female narrative she’s peddling, you’re less feminine and thus more masculine, and therefore worthy of scorn – you’ve “internalised the patriarchy”.)

        She doesn’t have to be rational, logical, or adult – she just gets to do whatever she likes, and let society deal with it, because she’s a woman, and she believes anything she does is gold. Her worth to society is guaranteed by her gender. (Men don’t get this privilege; rather, their gender is only guaranteed by their worth to society…)

        I’m sure there’s been times when you’ve wanted to lash out and call someone a bitch, just as there’s been times I’ve wanted to deck someone. But exactly as you say – because we’re adults, we don’t.

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