Want to screw up your life? Do you wonder why your life is screwed up? Here are six things you can choose that will make life difficult, if not worse. Don’t worry, though, there is still hope after screwing it all up. I’ll post my thoughts on this, but, don’t wait for what I have to say about it. No life is irredeemable* until it’s lost.
1. Harbor Resentments. In fact, never forgive anyone for any slight, real or imagined.
Stretch Goal: Simultaneously consider yourself entitled to be forgiven of every offense you’ve committed without needing to stoop
to apologizing or even acknowledging your responsibility. Harbor resentment against anyone who doesn’t forgive you.
2. Burn every bridge behind you: former employers, former colleagues, childhood friends, teachers, past love interests, the IRS.
If you see a bridge, burn it. For added effect, be sure to light some aflame in the most visibly spectacular manner. Consider capturing it on your snmartphone and uploading it to YouTube.
3. While you’re at it, make a point of alienating yourself from the people in your life who care about you the most. Don’t return your mother’s phone calls. Spread malicious rumors about your sister. Tell your young adult daughter that if she doesn’t lose weight she’ll never find someone to marry her. Ditch your closest friends for the barflies at the corner dive.
4. Convince yourself that you are unique and that no one could possibly understand you. Commit to focussing on the differences.
5. Earn a conviction for a violent, or otherwise repugnant felony. Be an overachiever and find your way to having your mugshot featured on a Meagan’s Law website as part of the national sex offender registry’s public database. Once there, be sure not to update local law enforcement with any address changes so that your listing is highlighted in red as ‘in violation’.
6. Frivolously waste opportunities given to you. For example, spend your parent financed college education studying the effects of hallucinogens using yourself as test subject. Write your term papers in alternating fonts and text colors. Or, just handwrite your papers in crayon. Drop out the first semester of your Junior year because the institution is limiting your creative expression.
(to be continued …)
*irredeemable: not able to be saved, helped, or made better