Today, is my birthday.
I am not celebrating.
This may be the single most painful time of transition I’ve experienced to date. I can’t be certain because I haven’t allowed myself to experience what I’m feeling because I can’t afford the risk of becoming immobilized while trying to see myself out of my current circumstances.
Coupled with the post-surgery weakness, the enormity of pain, stress and emotion associated with the totality of what has happened in this past six weeks, alone, would probably cripple me.
That would have a catastrophic outcome.
So, I will spend today, a birthday, sorting and packing and disposing what remains of my stuff as I prepare for this thrust into a change I am really not ready for because I can’t safely process the experiences leading to it, yet. Not yet.
I have lived in this place my entire adult life. Next week, I’m leaving for a place unknown and without any guarantee of my being able to live there successfully.
Not happily. Just at all. I don’t know if I am going to be able to start over, again, rebuilding a life I must leave behind. And, I must leave almost everything behind. People. Things. Possibilities. Memories. Habits. Comforts. Everything I know.
But, I must stuff down my thoughts, fear, anger, grief, worry, despair, shame and force them to remain silent until I’m at liberty to fall apart. Because, there is no confusion about what I can expect once I begin processing all of this. I can only pray for God’s mercy.
This is where life finds me on this birthday.