I am struggling with the outcome of today. For several days I have been paying special attention to the dialogue we have because I wanted to be certain if I had or had not mis-perceived the pattern I recognize developing. It is a pattern I have seen before, but I still needed to allow for the possibility that my perception was distorted.
Over the course of the last few days, I’ve adopted a neutral distance allowing me to observe without my emotions compromising my interpretations.
This is what I see:
1. A concerted effort on your part to hold me accountable to any amount of fault or error, to the extent of attempting to include things that have contrived fault and even inferring my responsibility for errors that originated from your actions or omissions.
2. This is coupled with the overt absence of my being credited for any significant success as well as statements that minimize the value of my contributions and efforts.
3. I notice also that a relationship exists between these statements and similar comments and the subject of my earning or being owed money.
4. I have also come to realize that you will offer or promise things and then back pedal when actually called to follow through. This has taken the form of simply not mentioning it again (thinking maybe I won’t remember?) to manufacturing a justification that involves some failing on my part. And, of course, the common place use of passive aggressive manipulation utilizing guilt or pity as a defense. I am pretty sure I saw you divert a conversation using hostility at least once.
When it comes together with the generally poor habits you have of making inconsiderate demands of my time, an inappropriate and compulsive need to argue with anything that questions or counters what you think is true (that is, when, if ever, you take enough time to listen to an entire sentence before cutting me off with the assumption you know what I was going to say–and rarely is that correct), I am struggling to come up with any defensible reason this is a beneficial investment of my time and resources.
I am as of now feeling very wary of our friendship.
I certainly do not feel respected and my value seems to have been commoditized. As if it should be offered as a bargain to the marketplace.
And weaving throughout is this stinky vine of resentment and repressed powerlessness that makes for some creepy moments I could probably do without.
Like, for the remainder of my life.
**I know, I often seem passive because I reserve my words. This is what is going on in my thoughts and, eventually, should it be necessary, I’ll share these thoughts and many, many more. You can believe that.**